Coping
by ncfan
Summary: Coping mechanisms don't always work. Naruto-centric.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

When you wake up, you send up prayers to a god you don't believe in thanking him for the presence of the sun.

You hurry up to put your clothes on, eager to get out of the small, empty apartment that is not home and into the world where you can find your daily peace.

.

Ichiraku's isn't so crowded before the noon rush. When you think about it, you are probably one of the few in Konoha who eats ramen for breakfast. The old man and Ayame greet you with wide grins, and you've never been sure if they're really glad to see you or if they're just waiting for you to pay their rent again.

When the old man again tells you it's on the house, you consider that maybe it's the former.

You are alone again. The old man and his daughter are hard at work getting ready for the noon rush; after all, being the most popular ramen stand in town means that they will be catering to a great many customers.

You still feel lonely though, and you slide out of the stand as quick as you can and try to find someone else.

.

Team Gai is usually training as of right now. You're friends with all the members of that cell, and they never begrudge your presence on their training field.

Gai's system is one you approve of. The only reason Gai ever favors Lee is because he knows that Neji and Tenten are more than capable of handling themselves; they train together, train by themselves and find other people to train with as well. You wish Kakashi had favored Sasuke for the same reason.

Lee and Tenten never ask questions. They accept you into the fold every time with open friendliness that almost makes you feel as though you belong, and they do not notice that you still feel like an intruder upon their world.

Gai and Neji, on the other hand, stare at you with shrewd, knowing eyes, sometimes sympathetic, sometimes calculating, and it makes you uncomfortable.

You leave when they start to guess at the thing inside of you.

.

At lunch, Team Ten usually manages to track you down before you can get to Ichiraku. Seeing you alone, Ino insists that you come eat with them at the barbecue restaurant, Choji agrees and Shikamaru feigns indifference, though you know he wants you to eat with them as well.

"Honestly, Naruto!" Ino scolds, pale blue eyes narrowed with the faintest hint of worry coming across them. "If I didn't know better I'd say you were starving yourself! Look at you!"

It's that sort of concern that occasionally will make you feel a little warmer inside.

The restaurant is a favorite of the Akimichi clan, and as such is used to big eaters; you and Choji are right at home. They serve an all-you-can-eat buffet, and before even five minutes have passed you have eaten the amount of food that could probably make a grown man who _doesn't_ have a bijū sealed inside of his stomach throw up; there are times when you put even Choji to shame with your eating habits.

They seem happy. They look happy, smiling or at least in Shikamaru's case looking relaxed. Eating to their heart's content, laughing, talking, arguing. They talk of the latest news, who's getting married to whom, which kunoichi is going to have a baby or isn't (you suppose that, being a woman, this is especially important to Ino, but you aren't entirely sure why), who's recently gone on a dangerous, exciting mission, and so on.

They seem happy, but Team Ten is haunted. You watch the specter hover above them. It still plays a huge part in their lives, long after it has ceased to become truly relevant. It puts heavy hands on their shoulders and weighs them down without their even knowing it.

Team Ten has not even begun to grieve.

But they are ignorant, you are not, and it eventually must drive you on, looking again for that peace.

.

Kurenai's house is the site of many. Team Eight is there waiting for you when you arrive, shy Hinata who looks up at you with such star-struck eyes, Shino who regards you with a quiet reserve, and Kiba who as usual surveys you with a mixture of fondness and some contempt.

Sarutobi Isako is a small carbon copy of her mother; no hint of her father exists in her. She has her mother's curling, dark brown hair, pale, fair skin and wide red eyes that don't seem to blink as much as most other people. She's a beautiful child, delicate and fair.

Kurenai is quiet and withdrawn. She is naturally reserved, but you always notice that she doesn't smile as much as she used to, even when she's with her daughter. Especially when she's with her daughter.

You don't train with Team Eight. You don't eat with Team Eight. You sit in silence, in silent understanding. They have never needed words to communicate, and you find that when you're with them, neither do you.

But tensions still remain. The ghost has followed them, followed you, and you move on, ignoring Kiba's frown of confusion and Hinata's sad eyes.

.

No one else seems to notice or care about the empty places. You see empty places all around, where people should be but aren't. They are gone beyond this world, it hurts you to see their absences, and it hurts even more to realize that no one else seems to notice.

.

In the afternoon, you travel to the Hokage's tower to see Tsunade, to talk to her, to bother her or to plainly harass her. She does not treat your arrival with as much irritation as she used to, and you're not sure if that comforts you or fills you with foreboding.

You know she is too caught up in everything to see what's happening to you.

You avoid Shizune because you know that, unlike Tsunade, she will notice.

.

You sometimes join Iruka at Ichiraku after he gets off from work.

You notice with some panic that Iruka isn't as young as he once was. There are fine lines cast around his eyes, showing up around his mouth when he smiles.

When you point it out, Iruka laughs and in a kind way tells you that you're being your normal over reactive self. He offers to pay for the ramen.

.

When you get back to your apartment long after darkness has fallen, you slump against the wall, drawing your knees to your chest as you sob for hours on end.

Darkness surrounds you, closing in without mercy.

There is nowhere you can hide with night falls. Your thoughts engulf you, assaulting you with memory of everything.

When night comes, there is nothing between you and insanity but the flickering yellow street lamp that puts a light through your window.

You pray for dawn.


End file.
